


The Three Villians Go Clubbing

by Brokensoul



Series: Three villains [3]
Category: Eragon - Fandom, Labyrinth, Once Upon A Time - Fandom
Genre: Bar Scene, Dapper pig, Demon band, Fire breathing, Gen, Groping, Magic T-shirt, hahahahaha, karoake, whyyyyyyy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-03-22 16:51:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13768404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brokensoul/pseuds/Brokensoul
Summary: Our three favorite Villians decide to polish up their courting skills at a nightclub. Goes about as well as you’d expect.Part 4





	1. Club Villian

Jareth continued to scrub at the black Sharpie marks on his flawless skin. He was determined to be the absolute epitome of powerful sexiness tonight. Couldn’t let those twatlips Rumple and Durza show him up. The Goblin King snorted delicately, as if they a had a worm’s chance in the Bog of Eternal Stench! Tonight he would prove to one and all that he was the master of male attractiveness, and if that just so happened to make Sarah jealous, all the better! The tall imperious fae teased his ice blonde hair, then turned around to check his tightly encased rump in the big gold mirror. High, tight, round. Perfection, as per usual! Rumple, he of the almighty perky ass, would admit defeat to a superior foe tonight! Jareth sat down on a purple tufted ottoman and gestured arrogantly at a waiting goblin. The goblin in question rushed over with the king’s soft leather boots, bowing obsequiously over and over. Jareth waited til his boots were securely on and then viciously kicked the little goblin across the powder room.

The goblin hit the wall and remarked, “I have impacted something!” then fell unconscious. A nearby chicken angled a beady eye at him. Pecking to see if the dirty lump of rags contained anything edible, it then shat nonchalantly on the elegantly tiled floor.

Jareth stood and checked his eyeliner, he felt a touch more glitter would set off his bi colored eyes perfectly. Now! He strutted into his bedchamber, curious to see how Sarah would react. He was pleased to see her straining against her ropes where she was firmly attached to his bedposts. Yes, she was so turned on she was trying to reach for him! Look at the tears running down her face, she was so overcome by his overwhelming male gorgeousness! Jareth preened and turned in a circle so that Sarah would have the benefit of an entire view. “I know, my precious one! I love you also, so much. But I do this, as all things, for your own good! I will always grant even the tiniest and most selfish of your desires!” Jareth kissed Sarah’s cheek gently, sweetly, then tossed a snake at her face as he disapparated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rumple was feeling a touch out of sorts. Well, maybe more than a touch. Why the hell had he agreed to this? Oh yeah, he had been high as as a dwarf on on stilts at the time. Chuckitinthefuckitbucket! Maybe he could pretend to be ill. No, everyone knew the Dark One didn’t get ill. Though he felt it now, at the prospect of socializing. An acrid bile rose up his throat, tasting incongruously of Thanksgiving Turkey. He was losing it! Fuckit, fuckit, the imp whispered. Ok, dammit, fuckit all, if this is what it took to learn how to relate to Belle, so be it. Much as he hated to admit it, nothing else was working. She was a strange girl. 

The imp magicked himself into some suitably flamboyant going out clothes and looked anxiously in the mirror, then quickly averted his eyes. Ugh, it was going to be a long night. He just hoped the club Jareth picked would be ... sympathetic... to those who didn’t quite fit in the common mold.

Rumple slowly dragged his sorry carcass down the damp stairs to the dungeon to look in on Belle. She sat huddled disconsolately on a pile of straw. She looked so wretched that Rumplestiltskin felt a trifle guilty. For a hot second. He shook his head as if to clear it of the useless emotion.

“I’m leaving the castle for the evening. Don’t try to escape!” He shook a clawed finger at her in warning. “I shall return by morning and let you out to clean.” Almost as an afterthought he mumbled,”Here,” and tossed her a blanket. After all, she couldn’t work if she got sick.

“Thank you,” said Belle, looking at him curiously and smiling shyly. Strange girl. “Yes, erm..well... indeed.” Rumple colored and poofed out in a showy cloud of smoke.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Durza flicked back his long fire red hair as he pulled a clean tunic over his head. He was immediately irritated by a banging on his chamber door. 

“Come!” The demon barked.

The door opened slowly as a large Urgal peered in nervously at the Shade. He shifted back and forth on his large feet.

“Well?”drawled Durza, looking impassive. His strange eyes showed no emotion.

“ New weapons done.”

“All of them?”

“Yes. Lord.” The ugly Urgal stammered.

“Good.”The Shade’s voice was a low purring growl. “Then I won’t have to kill you.” He touched the monster’s face fondly, then kicked it in its ass on his way out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All eyes seemed to settle on the trio as they entered the club. Jareth and Rumple preened and swaggered. Durza looked as if he had smelled something not altogether pleasant. Determined to outdo each other in the sartorial department, both the imp and the goblin king had forgone their usual snarky T-shirts. Each wore a foppish low cut shirt of silk and a tight fitted waistcoat. Both also wore tight leather pants and glittered under the bar lights. Durza rolled his eyes.

Choosing a table near the stage, Jareth sank into a chair with his long legs sprawled out before him. Rumple walked to a seat nearby, “accidentally “ kicking on of Jareth’s legs on the way.

“Be careful,” snapped Jareth. “You’d think with being so close to the ground you wouldn’t trip over things.”

Durza gave an imperceptible smile.

“Some of us don’t need freakishly long legs to make up for stubbiness in other areas,” Rumple sniped at the smirking king.

This time Durza sniggered out loud. Jareth’s white face turned red. The lightbulb in their table lamp blew out. “Relax,” said the Shade,”I believe there’s a woman admiring you, king.”

Immediately Jareth forgot his fit of pique and looked to where Durza looked. Indeed, a trio of attractive females were glancing their way. Now, the king had been observing the many chickens that hung about his castle, in particular the way that the cocks would impress the hens, and he believed that he knew exactly what to do in this situation. Jareth stood up and began to make his way toward the women, strutting. Rumple and Durza exchanged looks. Cackled Rumple, “Oh this is going to be GOOD.”

Rumple ordered a couple of drinks and so did Durza. Durza turned to the imp, who was following Jareth’s movements out of the corner of his eye. “What does that sign mean, imp?” 

Rumple was cackling at Jareth, who was inexplicably bobbing his head and shaking a leg at the table of ladies, who looked both awed and confused. 

Giggling hysterically, Rumple looked at the sign Durza was referring to. “Oh that. Karaoke. I wouldn’t do that if I was three sheets to the wind.” 

The boys teased a dejected Goblin King when he returned. “Maybe you should try shaking your dick at them.” Said Rumple nastily. 

Jareth appeared to be thinking it over. 

Exactly three sheets to the wind later, the three drunk gentlemen were helping each other clamber up on the stage.


	2. Kiss The Girls And Make Them Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jareth sings

Jareth felt Rumplestiltskin and Durza pushing him forward up the stairs and towards the stage. They were laughing at him, and it made him furious. His long white fingers trembled, and his long dark lashes drooped. The fae felt insecure, uncertain. Women had disdained him, as had his love. It hurt.

Jareth pulled up His haughty ruler face and smiled like a skull on meth. He looked out over the assembled rabble, who glanced back in boredom, amusement, contempt. The blank faces stung him, crawled up under his pale skin like tiny biting insects. Jareth wanted to flee, he wanted to curl in on himself and disappear. He glanced at the females he had tried to court; they knocked the long dry ashes off the ends of their cigarettes, bored.

The club smelled of old smoke, uncleanliness. It made Jareth nauseous.

The Goblin King clenched a lost and somewhat misty hand around the microphone. He thought of his long, long confusion, his empty bed, his loneliness. He thought of his Sarah, took a breath,and he sang.

“I tell you you to worship me, to bow, get on your knees  
And love me now  
I own you, heart and breath, all you do, in life and death  
Belongs to me and me alone, every heartbeat, every bone  
So why  
So why  
These bleeding tears fall from eyes”

His voice was ethereal, both gossamer and growling. Jareth sang, a shark like smile in that delicate face. Though he didn’t notice, lost as he was, The entire room had fallen silent, stunned. Whatever they had expected, it surely wasn’t that sublime, unearthly sound. 

 

“Do what you will, you wicked girl, you want to watch me crawl  
But you’ll never guess my riddle, never overcome my walls  
Can’t touch my soul, don’t have one, give it up, you’ll lose  
I’ll never drown in your eyes, never dance your blues  
— But then  
You touch me, and I SHATTER  
You touch me and I’m like breaking glass  
Breaking glass”

The patrons in the room had all leaned forward in their chairs, some openly weeping. The sound was angelic, otherworldly.

No one had ever heard anything so beautiful.

“I move the stars for no one.”

When he finished the song, Jareth strutted fromthe stage, snapped his long pale fingers, and the three women who had snubbed him earlier came running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t make this one funny, Bowie’s voice is just too beautiful for jokes.


	3. I’m the what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone isn’t familiar with the song Rumple sings, it’s “Villian” by Theory of a Deadman.

Jareth left the stage, Rumple and Durza looked at each other,mouths hanging open in awe.  


“Fucking hell,” said Rumple. “I hadn’t a clue. Holy hairless testicles!”  


“Your turn. Donkey cock.” Jareth shoved Rumple. The king took a seat at a nearby table, surrounded by fawning females. Rumple recognized one of the women from old days. A sea witch. A nasty sort, she smirked and winked at him. Jareth, looking quite smug, had a long arm around an icy woman with striking bicolor hair. The woman blew a smoke ring at Rumplestiltskin and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh hell yes, it’s on,” thought Rumple gleefully.

The imp grabbed his tankard of moonshine (which actually glowed, it was real distilled moonlight, quite potent) and strutted up on the stage. Unlike Jareth, Rumple wasn’t the least bit nervous. He couldn’t give a dried white dog turd what the riff raff thought. Besides, if they dared to boo him, he’d slaughter them all. The thought made him giggle madly. Just to piss Jareth off, he now wore a T-shirt which proclaimed him, “Master of Tongue.”

“Hey!” slurred a disheveled and drunken patron,” that’s the guy who turned my wife into a pig!” Unfortunately the sloshed idiot remembered a second too late just who exactly he was talking to.

Rumple cackled, “Your wife WAS a pig, you toad’s anus! And you can join her!” Rumple raised his hand, turning it sharply, and the man began to shrink and widen. In a second, instead of an inebriated lout, there stood a handsome and dapper black pig, wearing a fine waistcoat, watch chain, and monocle, as well as a tiny silk top hat. It began to trot through the room on delicate hooves, snuffing up crumbs from the floor.

The crowd roared with approval, and the imp grinned. He may not have the voice of the goblin king, but he was a hell of a showman. “There’s an improvement!” Rumple grabbed the microphone with flourish and strutted around the stage, singing in a growling purr, 

“All day, all night  
I been thinking why feeling wrong feels so right  
And I know  
Yeah, I try  
To turn myself around, but I know what I like”

The imp danced up to the edge of the stage as he sang the line, and gave a crooked grin and a wicked look to a female in front, who fell back in her chair, fanning herself. 

Turning to the side, Rumple took a swig of his drink and spat it toward the audience, setting the alcohol on fire in a long arc. A terrified man tried to beat out the flames on his head as the audience whooped and cheered. 

“I ain’t nice  
No, I’m quite a dick  
I’m the bad guy who’s makin you sick  
It’s easy for me, I got no shame (hip swivel, gasps from the ladies)  
I’m in it for the money and faaaaame!”

Rumple flung out a hand and gold coins flew from it, glittering. The audience were on their feet, dancing wildly and having a great time, all except for Durza, who sat nonchalantly, observing with his spooky eyes, a small smile on his white face.

“Everybody wants to be like me  
The Villian is the one that you came to see  
I’m sick of all the good guys saving the day  
Cause the Villian always wins  
When the hero’s away,”

The imp swung the microphone up into the air, did a couple of pelvic thrusts, and caught the mike. Wolf whistles filled the air and a pair of underwear was flung onto the stage. It had eight leg holes. Rumple spun around and shook his perfect ass at the spectators, who screamed in joy.

“There’s days when I wanna give in  
But it’s hard to be a saint when you’re full of sin  
Why would I ever think of going back  
When it feels so fuckin good to be baaaaad!”

At this point, the women in the club were crowding the stage, reaching out desperately to try and touch the maniacal imp. Rumple laughed and swaggered around, leering.

“I love you!” Screamed a hag, tossing a giant dirty bra at the mike, where it clung, odiferously. Jareth, a bit peeved at having his thunder seemingly stolen, flicked his delicate hand and turned Rumple’s hair a bright fuchsia. Someone had lifted the dapper pig up onto a bar table, where it appeared to be tap dancing happily, poised on its elegant trotters and wagging its curly tail.

“Yeah, everybody wants to be like me  
The Villian is the one that you came to see  
Sick of all the good guys Savin the day  
Cause the Villian is here to stay!”

“Dance, you shit eating bastards!” And dance they did, wildly. Rumple spit out another gout of fire, this time turning it green and aiming it around the room. After flinging his tankard into the crowd, where it connected solidly with a goblins head, knocking it out, Rumple took a running leap off the stage. The crowd surged forward, passing the imp along over their heads. Rumple sang out, “I’m the Villian, yeah I’m the Villian,” as hands grabbed him everywhere, even slipping between his legs to caress his nethers, much to his delight. 

An attractive brunette approached Durza, who narrowed his eyes with a cruel twist of a smile, “Touch me and I’ll flay you alive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next: Durza brings down the house


	4. A Big FU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I hear this Beatles’ song, I think of Durza. After all, like Rumple he was born human, and took on evil for what he believed was a righteous cause, only to be damned by it.  
> Think of this as a death metal version of the Beatles song.

Durza stalked toward the stage, avoiding the clutching hands of the patrons, a vision of ash and wrath. The crowd in the club was by now whipped into an ecstasy of vicious frenzy and it caused Durza to give a crooked little malicious grin.

Saying nothing, he merely stood motionless while the crowd got a good look at him and they went wild, screaming and pleading. The lusty patrons began slamming their hands rhythmically on the sticky tabletops and when they saw his malevolent smile,began chanting, “Death! Death! Death!”

“As you wish,” the demon purred. Turning around and raising both white skeletal hands (and giving patrons a glimpse of his black leather clad ass, humph, grumbled Rumple) he let his wicked magic flow over the stage. A black mist obscured the floor as three robed figures seemed to rise up from below. They clutched instruments, but their heads hung down, faces obscured. They began to play, a soft menacing and heavy riff. Melodic, evil.

Durza gripped the mike, looking down with his hair hanging in a bloody waterfall around his face, he began a musical growl. 

“When you were young and your heart was an open book

You used to say Live and let live

But if this ever changing world in which we live in makes you give it a cry

Say Live and let DIE!” 

The band exploded in a death metal orgasm of sound as they looked up simultaneously with Durza. Their faces were fleshless skulls, their eyeless sockets full of green flame. More green flame shot up behind them, giving the bar a sickly flickering glow. 

Picking up the mike, Durza threw his head back, his fire red locks blowing in the hot breeze as he sang. 

“What does it matter to ya? When you got a job to do, you got to do it well

You gotta give the other fella hell!” 

The demon sliced through the front of his tunic with a long black nail, shrugging it off and exposing his ghastly white torso to the excited screams of his fans. He strutted to the front of the stage, where a witch with purple hair was straining forward to try and touch him, her face a mask of lust. Durza placed a booted foot on her forehead and viciously kicked her back.

Patrons began climbing onto the stage and leaping off into the crowd, gleefully injuring each other. Rumple and Jareth turned and looked at each other, the ran up to join Durza on the stage. Every time Durza came to the chorus,  
“Live and let Die!”  
Rumple would fling out a fireball and incinerate a dancer.

Jareth flicked his graceful hand at a short round troll, causing him to rise up and be hung from the ceiling. With another flick, strobing lights emitted from the startled troll’s mouth, ears, and asshole as he rotated quickly. The dancers seemed to move like robots in the smoky strobing lights. An ear piercing squeal erupted as the dapper pig raced around biting the dancers’ legs.

The hellish music crashed and growled, the Villians sang and prowled, the club burned merrily, and above it all the imp’s maniacal laughter rang out as he shouted with joy, “Die!” and he and Durza barbecued another fan. 

Much later-

Staggering home down a dusty road as the sun began to rise, Rumple giggled, “I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun.”


End file.
